You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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