I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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