Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
