even my farts smell like vagina
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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