I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Did I show you my penis last night?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
