I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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