Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
