my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize