So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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