Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my shit smells like andre
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
