Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How does it feel to date your dad?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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