I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
