This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
