i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
