Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the day after is always just damage control
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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