My pussy is not your playground.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize