you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
