Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
