i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
