I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
