i wish semen tasted like chocolate
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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