If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
