Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
