You're completely useless in the revolution.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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