Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
bring money and cleavage
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Mom said you looked used
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
