So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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