peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
