I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
