Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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