Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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