wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
