so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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