In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
