so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
