your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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