The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
