I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
