wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
this hospital has no fireball
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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