I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
