He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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