Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
