Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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