Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
