you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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