I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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