The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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