I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
