I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize