I have demons in me.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
