What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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