The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
