Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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