Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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