The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
