does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Terrible idea I love it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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