maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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