We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
